


Unstable

by StakeTheHeart



Series: Horror of Our Love [4]
Category: Victorious
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:25:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3806884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StakeTheHeart/pseuds/StakeTheHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade's past has left many scars but some are more prominent than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unstable

Sometimes I wondered if I made the right choice all those years ago. It seemed so perfect at the time. Jade West liked me. What were the odds of that? She hated everyone, especially her ex-boyfriend, Beck, for cheating on her. I seemed to be the next most hated person on her list yet somehow she ended up liking me. That was actually why she treated me so horribly. I never thought Jade was a bad person. She had issues, yes, but who didn't? So, I told her she had to show me that she was serious. She had to prove it so that I was sure she wasn't just trying to trick me. We became good friends from that day forward. By our senior year we were going out and no one could believe it. Well past high school we were still together; even after all that we went through.

This whole week leading up to today had been full of Jade waiting on me hand and foot. Don't get me wrong, it was sweet of her, but it was almost like the longer we were together the more affectionate she was becoming with me and the more hostile she became with anyone who even so much as smiled at me. She was protective but also territorial yet much more subtle about her possessiveness than she had been back in high school. I guess it was because she loved me so much, but still, it was getting kind of out of hand now. I'm not sure if I could handle her intense need to always have me near her anymore. I hadn't seen any of the others for the past month with how much Jade's been keeping me to herself; this week more than usual since tomorrow would be our anniversary. Jade told me she had something nice and simple planned, just for us.

I sighed heavily and rolled over in bed. The silence left me with my thoughts which were pressing in on me enough that I couldn't sleep. I guess it was a good thing at the same time. Having a place to myself was a must to give myself some time alone. I mean, Jade had asked countless times to move in together but I carefully avoided ever giving a straight answer. I could see that she got a little agitated but she allowed it to drop, which I was grateful for. It wasn't just luck though. I made sure to properly distract her too so that she didn't realize just how many times I've turned that idea down.

I buried my face in my pillow and groaned. I've come to the conclusion almost a hundred percent of the time that I should just break up with her, but I couldn't. I knew, for a fact, that she wouldn't take it well at all. I was more afraid for others than myself if I broke up with her. I knew she wouldn't do anything to me, but something in my gut warned me that she would take her anger out on someone else because she couldn't bring herself to harm me. It was weird how she would do anything for me, anything I ask, yet she still had all the control somehow. How was that even possible? Ok, no more thinking. I had to get some sleep. I had no doubt that Jade would be running me ragged in a few hours, claiming how she needed every second to be spent right by my side. Again, did I make the right choice?

After calming my thoughts I managed to get some sleep. My alarm woke me up and I slipped out of bed to take a shower. After getting dressed I relaxed a little, trying not to overthink things again. When the time came to start getting ready I was done in record time. I was out the door, heading for Jade's place no more than ten minutes away.

With some choice words she managed to talk the manager of the closest apartment complex into letting her move in so that she could be close to me. She would've had my same complex except they literally had no room. The other complex she got into had a space open but it was being held. Needless to say Jade forced her way in with no care for the people who had wanted the place. I rolled my eyes when she told me, an accomplished smile on her face.

I pulled into the extra parking space she bought out next to her own, all for me to visit without getting my car towed. I got out and walked slowly to draw out the time, but all too soon I was standing on her doormat which read 'Go Away'. I knocked once and it ]opened a second later, like she had been waiting by the door for me. Her vivid eyes met mine and a smirk pulled at her lips.

"Hey," I greeted, raising a hand. Her smirk became a smile and she reached out to pull me in by the wrist. Once I was past the door she pushed it shut and leaned in for a kiss. Her lips graced mine like a gentle caress. For how harsh of a personality she had, she tried hard not to let it lash out at me. She treated me like something fragile, something special. I could feel her love for me and it wasn't fake. I couldn't not react to her every time. If only she wasn't so hardcore possessive. My right hand slid into her hair and the other gripped at her shoulder. She groaned and gripped at my waist, the kiss deepening slightly with the appearance of her tongue. Before it could go any further she pulled away, a hand coming up to stroke my cheek.

"Wow, I must be in heaven," I joked, referring to the three sevens marking her apartment. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Does this look like heaven to you?" she inquired, gesturing to the room. I looked around, playing along, then shrugged.

"If heaven exists I imagine it could be anything," I opinioned.

"If it does I still say it's probably the most boring place ever," Jade remarked.

"Why do you think that?" I asked her.

"I imagine heaven to be contentment. Without a need for something everyone would be sitting around doing nothing because they already feel content where they're at," she explained.

"I guess so…" I mumbled thoughtfully.

"But if people were given the ability to explode heads or something then that would be pretty fun," she contemplated. I stared at her with creased brows. When she saw my expression she smirked.

"Don't worry, it's heaven, so their heads would come back. Besides, it wouldn't be nearly as fun if they didn't because then you couldn't keep doing it," she reasoned. I ignored her train of thought to change the subject before any images came to mind.

"But instead of that, maybe hell might be a little more interesting," I replied. Jade raised a brow at that.

"Yeah, I guess, but it's probably full of assholes and complainers. That isn't very different than here," she commented.

"At least here they're mixed in with some pretty good people," I countered. She nodded her agreement.

"True," she allowed. I smiled.

"So, how are you?" she asked, leveling her beautiful eyes with mine. The change in topic was so abrupt I almost lost track. It didn't help that her full attention was on me again.

"I…um, I-I'm fine," I stuttered, humiliated with my inability to talk when she was so close, her gaze never wavering. She chuckled and stepped away.

"Better?" she inquired teasingly. Why? Why was she so darn attractive, and playful, and caring, and attentive, and all those other positive things when it was only her and I? It just made me forget how mean she could be to the rest of the world. I nodded and she turned away to go into the kitchen. I followed her. As soon as I walked in I was hit with the mouthwatering smell of comfort food.

"You cooked dinner?" I questioned. I loved Jade's cooking. It was something else she was unfairly good at along with writing and singing. Her best skill was drawing. She was a horror comic artist, which coincided with her writing. The art was black and white with sharp angular lines and more black than white. She even published a comic series called Killing Daddy which she gave permission to be made into a TV movie. Strangely, the main character looked strikingly like her. The only request she had for the movie was that it followed the comic with nothing taken out or anything added in and that the actress who would play the main character look somewhat like the actual character. They pulled that off with flying colors because she and Jade could have been twins. The movie was a year old but she was still collecting money from it. As for the comics, they were now available in a collection that still fetched a good price even though they were two years old now. The extra job Jade has now is just in case her comics didn't sell. But with a mind like hers, I doubt she would ever have a hard time finding someone who would buy them.

"By the sound of your voice you approve," she commented, smug.

"Very much," I confirmed.

"You'll get to have some later. Right now I want to take a walk with you. We can talk and you can tell me how you've been. Properly this time," she told me, that playful smile still gracing her lips. It brought an involuntary smile to my own. Any smile from Jade did that.

She checked the food, covered it, and then took me by the hand to lead me back through the house where she deposited me on the couch to wait while she got her shoes on. When she was ready we headed out. We spent an hour walking around sharing small talk. Half the time I was busy watching Jade, comparing each expression she made the few times her gaze wasn't trained on me.

Most wouldn't know what to look for but I could pick out the small quirk of her slender brow, a twitch of muscle in her jaw, or the way her eyes narrowed slightly. She judged, evaluated, and examined everything around her until her eyes were back on me, her attention returning with it. Her eyes weren't so dark and she was all ears, joking with me without a care in the world. It was like I flipped a switch in her otherwise aloof and calculating demeanor.

There was a reason people feared Jade, even back when we were teens. I was no exception. Only when she allowed me closer could I see the kind of person she could be. It was all defense, a way not to get hurt. But she trusted me enough to let me in, so far be it for me to ever make her regret that decision. In a way, Jade was more fragile than anyone thought. She just put up a good front. What would happen should she break? I had to admit I was worried and a little scared to find out. I was brought out of my thoughts when I caught Jade looking at me in concern.

"You ok, Tor? You look zoned out," she commented, her hand brushing the back of mine.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was just a little caught up in my thoughts. Sorry," I replied. She looked a little more relaxed but she tilted her head, brows furrowed. She was questioning my behavior, and I realized that I had tensed up a little, like she would figure me out, but then she decided to let it drop.

"Ok. You wanna head back? We can relax with a movie or something before dinner," she suggested. I nodded.

"Sounds good," I answered. When we got back I plopped onto Jade's comfy couch with a sigh and kicked off my shoes with my feet, too lazy to use my hands. My left shoe didn't want to come off though so I struggled with it until Jade came over, seeing my predicament and helping me with a chuckle. One hand gripped at my ankle to steady my foot and the other pulled off the shoe. She dropped it and then looked up at me. My eyes locked with hers and her hand ran up my tight jean clad leg. She set my foot down then slinked over me, careful not to put any weight on me.

Her warmth radiated from her, teasing me. I bit my bottom lip and her heated eyes flicked to my mouth, drawn by the action, but she didn't make a move. Instead, her eyes were back on mine. I was stuck in my usual wanting but not wanting her so I just stared back until she went ahead and kissed me. I tried to deepen it, but again, she pulled away before I could. She got off the couch with a hand running through her hair. I let out my held breath while she went to her shelf of movies.

"What do you feel like watching?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder at me.

"Uh, well, what do  **you**  feel like?" I shot back at her, none too brightly. She laughed and shook her head.

"You know what I'll pick. I'm trying to spare you," she muttered, a tone to her voice I couldn't decipher. Was I thinking too much into it? Maybe she just meant it as it was. But still…

"Put in a thriller then. That's enough in the middle for both of us," I requested. She nodded, scanned the shelf, and then decided on one. She pulled it out and went over to the entertainment area so that she could set it up. I didn't get to see what it was but it didn't matter. Once it was playing she returned to perch on the edge of the couch. She pulled off her shoes to get comfortable while the previews played. She then handed me the remotes and slid in behind me on the couch. She wrapped me in her arms and buried her face in the crook of my neck. Her hot breath against my skin made my heart flutter. Her soft lips brushed under my jaw and down my neck where I briefly felt her teeth skim my skin.

I struggled not to react too much to her administrations and jumped to the menu to see what we were watching. Figures, it was Hannibal. I should have seen that coming. I liked Silence of The Lambs better but this one was good too. I just wish they kept the same Clarice Starling. Jade favored Red Dragon. She was interested with the Francis Dolarhyde character. That was always her first choice so she must have picked this one since it was the least watched between us. I pushed play and prepared to settle in when Jade bit down on my shoulder, a little rougher than usual. I whimpered at the pain but my body tensed with pleasure too. I could feel her smirking before her tongue soothed the abused flesh.

"I sometimes wonder; what it would be like to eat someone? And not the way I do to you every so often," she whispered lowly, chuckling when I gasped at her hinted vulgarity.

"I figure it to be like pork more than beef. What do you think?" she continued, her voice raspy in my ear. Her hand shifted to stroke at my stomach under my shirt. Her hips pressed to my backside and her nose nuzzled at my jaw where she inhaled. Her quiet groan sent a shiver down my spine. Why the heck were we even talking about this?

"Chicken," I answered, short and to the point. She laughed under her breath, still managing to sound amused.

"You think so?" she mumbled, now working on marking my pulse point. I couldn't hold in my moan. Her hands slid higher to grope at me and a growl fell from her mouth.

"Y-yeah, 'cos, you know, everything tastes l-like chicken," I gasped in arousal. I was acutely aware of just how turned on I was getting. Jade shifted so that I was on my back with my side pressed along her front. She was propped up on the elbow of the arm I was laying on. Her free hand slid down my torso slowly to play with the button of my pants. I pulled her down to me, needing to kiss her. She groaned when I bit at her lip and sucked then slipped my tongue in her mouth. She let me explore and dominate her tongue. I pulled away and tugged at her hair to bare her sensitive neck to me. She moaned and I wasted no time ravishing the skin there. I left marks that had her gripping my shirt in her fist.

When I finally released her it was to see her jaw clenched tight, eyes dilated, and breath short. It was my turn to smirk, a brow rising in challenge. Her brows pulled down, and anyone else would have thought she was angry, but I knew she was just determined to outdo me. She pulled at my shirt, no doubt ready to rip it off me, but I beat her to the punch. I tore open her button up, popping off buttons. I yanked it off her with some maneuvering, then leaned down to lick at her collarbone. She pushed me back to pull off my shirt then I continued to move down her chest, but she wasn't having it. Her leg locked on mine and her hand yanked my pants open. She snuck in and cupped me over my panties. I bit back a desperate groan and she exhaled heavily.

"If you want it you have to make it worth my while," she husked in my ear. My hand tightened in her hair while the other released the clasp of her bra. I threw it off the couch and palmed her exposed flesh, smiling when her eyes closed and her lips parted. My mouth joined in moments later and her back arched, encouraging me. I sucked and bit with occasional passes of my tongue which I knew just teased her. Her hand was rubbing at me now, a subconscious reaction, just as her hips were pressing into me. It was getting hard to concentrate with her fingers constantly stroking me.

I completely surrendered when she forcefully yanked down my pants and then ran her fingers up my thigh. I was prepared for her to tease me but it was a bit of a shock when she entered me right away. I moaned and my hips bucked. Her leg tightened on mine as she pumped in and out. I panted and writhed, my hand swiftly grabbing her by the wrist. She knew it was my silent request for her to go faster, harder. She complied with a wicked smirk before her lips claimed mine. Her tongue assaulted my mouth and her fingers curled, hitting the perfect spot within me. I cried out my pleasure into her mouth and she chuckled proudly.

"You're so beautiful," she mumbled against my mouth. Her sincere words ached my heart, hurting and healing. How could I think badly of her when she loved me so much? I was ready to take back my thoughts, but soon, I had none at all. Jade's thumb decided to press at just the right time that she hit that spot with her fingers and then I was coming undone. My nails dug in her wrist and the other dug into her back. My body went rigid as I came, another following with Jade's continuously pumping fingers working while I was still so sensitive. Aftershocks were the last to travel through me and then I fell limp. Jade slipped out of me slowly, dragging her fingers as she went. I let out a heavy exhale and scowled at her.

"What? I can't keep teasing you?" she responded, cheeky. I shook my head in response, kicked off my pants the rest of the way with a little difficulty, and then straddled her. Her pleased, crooked, grin made me want to wipe it off her face. Her hands ran up my arms, then up over my shoulders to my back. She unclasped my bra and it fell between us. I was quick to toss it out of the way and then pressed myself to her when I kissed her. Her hands idly wandered my body with lazy squeezes added in. I broke off the kiss and began making my way down her body. I unbuttoned her pants and slid them down slowly, glancing up at her. She watched me with dark stormy eyes, like a predator. I dropped the recently removed articles of clothing then ran my hands down her sides lightly like she enjoyed. She shivered and relaxed into the couch with her eyes closed. Now that I was free from her intense stare I held her firmly by the hips. I kissed the side of her knee then began to drag my lips along her inner thigh. Her legs parted for me as I advanced and she sucked in a breath of anticipation. I paused just before tasting her and she made a sound of irritation.

"Tori," she snapped, a hand tugging at my hair impatiently. I grunted at the pain and pleasure as always. I never really got off on pain like Jade, but ever since I've been with her I've found out that some types of pain were a total turn on. I bit at her thigh and smiled when she moaned, her hips rising. I pushed her back down, released my hold on her thigh, and then dragged my tongue through her wet heat.

"Fuck, yes, finally," she panted, voice eager. I lapped at her, each stroke finding her just as wet as before. I teased her little bundle of nerves by circling it but not touching, and then plunged two finger in her when she opened her mouth to demand that I give her what she wanted. Instead, her mouth fell open in a cry of pleasure. She bucked into my hand but I forced her down so that I could set a slow pace. I slid in and out with ease while my tongue finally flicked at her straining nerves. A whimper from her made me even wetter than I had already been. Jade rarely released her hold on control, so when she did it never failed to excite me. I sucked on her just as my fingers sped up to hit that special spot that I knew would drive her crazy. She moved to grip at the couch, no doubt to spare my hair, and growled out a curse. She then began to breathlessly scream my name before she came with a shudder. I was ready to lick up her release and she groaned at the contact. She pushed at me with a solitary whine and I laughed.

"Too much?" I taunted, crawling over to kiss her sweetly. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me to her, our bodies pressed together.

"Nothing is too much for me. Especially if it's you," she answered, her hand brushing back my hair to tuck it behind my ear. Adoration and love shone in her eyes. I smiled and rested my forehead on hers, closing my eyes.

"I love you," she stated, voice soft and delicate but sincere. It struck me right in the heart and made me meet her gaze. For being such a mean and hateful person to almost everyone she ever met, I couldn't help but love her for who she was deep down.

"And I love you," I responded, stroking from her cheekbone down to her jaw. She smiled, content. I kissed her chin then rested my head on her chest. Her heart was racing, as was mine. I rubbed at her side and she sighed.

"I remember when I realized that I liked you. It scared me. I knew you would make me happy, but then what about later? Would our relationship eventually wither and die or hold strong? I didn't like the uncertainty. I thought, maybe if I killed you while I still felt positively towards you it would immortalize the moment and it would never have a chance to get worse," Jade explained. I raised a brow at that, a chill running down my spine. Was she serious or just joking? Jade did like to throw out a morbid joke every so often but never when it involved me so I decided to treat it like the joke I hoped it was.

"Why didn't you?" I asked. Jade's grip on me tightened.

"Turns out you had good preservation instincts and felt that jumping out of a moving car was preferable to sticking around with a possible murderer," she replied in an offhand manner.

"You weren't worried I'd beat you up for trying?" I inquired. She laughed like I just told a joke and shook her head.

"Fighting isn't your strong point, so no," Jade responded. I was kind of insulted by that but it was true. Also, why were we still talking so casually about my possible demise? Regardless, I kept going so that I didn't raise any alarms.

"So you  **were**  planning on killing me and burying me out in the middle of nowhere!" I huffed, sitting up to glare at her. Sure, I encouraged the joke, but internally, I was starting to worry. She smiled back, unperturbed, and kissed my nose.

"Mmm, possibly…" Jade murmured, the hint of a smirk in her voice.

"How would you have killed me?" I wondered, the questioning coming to mind and falling from my lips without my permission. Jade hummed thoughtfully.

"I dunno. Never really gave it much thought," she responded. I fell quiet, still unsure whether she had actually considered it or not.

"You know I'm just joking with you, right? I'd never want to hurt you. Ever. I love you so much. I would rather kill  **for**  you than ever think of killing you," she told me honestly. That didn't sound any better, but I couldn't help but feel a little better. Was it wrong of me to stop worrying now that I knew I was out of danger? Shouldn't I care that others could be in danger? This was too much to consider at the moment; especially when Jade didn't sound serious. I shouldn't have worried in the first place.

"We missed a good portion of the movie," she remarked, looking at the screen. I turned to look the same way and saw that she was right.

"Want me to set it to the front?" I asked. She nodded and I removed myself from her. I pulled on my panties and snagged her shirt before she could get to it, leaving her to wear only her undergarments. She didn't fit my shirts. I giggled at her frown and tucked my nose in the collar of her button up. Jade smelled so good. She smiled at what I did and wrapped her arms around me. Her lips found mine for a quick kiss then she pulled me down so that we were cuddled up again. This time we turned our attention to the movie. As it progressed I laid on my side with my eyes on the screen while Jade rested her arm over my middle and her leg over mine.

She sometimes went slack, indicating that she was dozing in and out of sleep. Her soft snores when she fell under made me smile. It was cute. She'd probably get mad if I told her that. Towards the end of the movie she came back around, watching it with me while she rubbed at my arm and kissed the back of my neck. When the movie was over she was the first to get up. She climbed over me and stretched out. I admired her toned muscles flexing under her pale skin and met her eyes when she turned to catch me staring. I wasn't ashamed. I just smiled and she returned it, offering me her hand. I took it and she pulled me up.

"Are you hungry yet, or did you have enough to eat?" she teased me with a smirk. I smacked her arm and shook my head but she just chuckled.

"Let's eat," I told her. She shrugged but led the way. We ate a delicious meal in our half naked state, and before long, Jade was energized enough to pin me against the counter on the way out of the kitchen. She kissed me ardently and I allowed her for a moment before pulling away. Her brows creased and she cupped my jaw, making me look at her.

"Something wrong?" she questioned, searching my eyes.

"You don't think we should…slow down?" I suggested hesitantly. She looked back at me like I wasn't making any sense.

"Slow down?" she repeated, stepping away from me.

"Yeah, I mean, not that I don't appreciate this, or like it, because I do. You know I do, like, a lot," I assured her, rambling in my haste to mollify her. Her rigid posture loosened a little and I was internally relieved.

"It's just, this whole week we've been going at it two to three times a day and I need a break," I told her. She was straight backed again at those words. Her face hardened as did her eyes. It was that expression that made her unreachable. It was like a mask she put on. I didn't like seeing it. It made reasoning with her difficult.

"You want a break? As in a break from the activities or each other?" she inquired. Her voice was monotone but even and unwavering. It was also slightly cold.

"Well, I didn't mean a break from each other, but now that you bring it up, that could be a good idea too. Don't you want some time to yourself?" I wondered, truly curious. She scoffed and looked way, her brows coming together harshly.

"No. I don't. Being with you is all I ever want. I don't need time to myself," she replied, tone bitter, acidic. I couldn't place the emotion flickering in her expression. I hadn't ever seen it before to decode what it could mean. It disappeared too soon for me to start making guesses. Abruptly, she was calm and collected again.

"Ok, I get it. You need some time to yourself. Fine," she muttered, turning away.

"Jade," I tried to say, a hand on her arm, but she pulled away.

"I got it. Just…just promise me it's a break from the activities," she hoped, yet there was a rough tone to it that told me it was a demand. It made me want to react against it. It was her subtle way of controlling the situation. She knew how to play me, and she did it so often before I hadn't even noticed, but now I sometimes caught on. This was one of those moments.

"Maybe you have it a little backwards," I commented, my own voice hardening.

"What do you mean?" she questioned, turning back to look at me.

"You can't tell me what I want, Jade. You know what, I think we do need a break from each other," I told her, unyielding when she glared at me.

"Tori, you can't…why are you doing this? Haven't I done everything for you?" she asked me, her expression as well as voice fighting between anger and hurt. She wanted to be angry with me, but she couldn't.

"Yes, you have, and it means a lot to me, but I still think this is for the best. Just two weeks, ok? I promise," I answered, unable to look at her. I made it sound like a few days, but I was sure we both knew that the time away might as well have been the whole month.

"Are you still staying the night?" she asked me, her voice strained. I shook my head.

"I should go," I remarked, quick to walk away. She grabbed me by the arm, her strong grip holding tight.

"Don't go. Please, stay tonight at least. Just tonight?" she pleaded. It was a type of desperation I never saw on her face before. It troubled me. Jade never begged. She rarely ever asked for permission. But now, she was vulnerable in a way I hadn't seen before and it made me stop to consider what to do next. I looked at her, surprised to see a glimpse of what looked like fear in her eyes.

"Please," Jade asked once more. I gave in, my heart going out to her.

"Ok," I agreed. Jade let out a loud exhale and pulled me into a hug that was more of her clinging to me like I had told her I was breaking up with her for good. I rubbed at her back, and slowly, she began to relax.

"Let's lay down. Come on," I coaxed her gently. She let me lead her to her room where we both dressed for bed. She laid down and looked back at me with tired features. It was like she was worn out. Concerned, I held her close to me under the blankets, letting her know that I was there for her. Whatever was bothering her was clearly tearing her up inside. I couldn't just tell her to spill, because for all I knew it could be really serious, and just mentioning it might cause a reaction I wouldn't be prepared for. I needed to figure out how to help her, because I was sure, whatever I unintentionally uncovered, it had to be the main reason why she behaved the way she did. I stayed up rubbing circles into Jade's back until she fell asleep. Only then did I go to sleep. I woke up early in the morning to Jade holding me tightly. I had no idea how I was going to get free. I tested her grip and found that it was firm. I sighed, wondering what to do, when suddenly she whimpered in her sleep.

"No. Please, Tori. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. We can't be over. Please, don't. C-can I change your mind? Anything at all? Don't go. Don't leave me like this," she muttered, tone tight, an indicator that she was close to tears.

"Jade. Wake up, you're dreaming," I whispered, nudging her the best I could while trapped in her grip. Her sorrowful expression quickly morphed into an anger so menacing I flinched.

"If you walk out…" she threatened, falling limp right after, defeated. Silent tears traced their way down her face and I gasped, wiping at them. She felt my touch and her eyes fluttered open. They were dull in vibrancy and her expression looked worn again. Her hand came up to grip mine.

"Do you still want the break?" she questioned, voice hollow. I really didn't want to confirm it but maybe this is what we needed. She was too dependent on me. We needed time apart, if only to see if it helped or not. So, I only nodded. She closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, like she was in pain. Then her eyes opened again. They were steely and sharp.

"Leave, now. Before I try to make you stay. I don't want to fight," she muttered, pulling away from me then rolling over to curl up on her side. It was like she was trying to refrain herself for me. From what though? What would she do to make me stay? I didn't stick around to find out. I did as I was told and quickly got dressed. I stopped at the front door and glanced back at the hall leading to her room. I promised myself and Jade that I would spend this break trying to come up with a way to help her. I may need a break, but I wasn't giving up on her. With that set in stone in my mind I strode out the door.

~/~/~

She was gone. I heard the door shut with a finality I didn't want to face. Why did she leave me alone? I couldn't stand being alone. The memories pressed in on me, choking me. Tori, come back. I gripped at the blankets around me. I could feel it; that need, that irrational anger. No, I couldn't let it get to me. I could do this. Just two weeks. That was it. I sat up, body rigid. I felt empty knowing that I would have to force myself through two weeks without her. Why did she have to ask for a break? Of all things she could have asked for and she chose a fucking break! Hadn't I done all I could to make her happy? I tried so hard to hide how broken I was, but I couldn't do it without her. I growled and picked up the nearest thing, that being my bedside clock, and tossed it against the wall. It shattered into pieces and left a small hole. The memories, they were already playing in my head like a sick waking nightmare. That horrible dream I suffered through just added to it.

"Stop!" I demanded, burying my face in my hands. They didn't. It was useless without Tori, my love, my painkiller from the truth. It hurt to even remember. No, stop. Just stop thinking. I paced the room a little, trying to calm down. When I was level headed enough I got ready for the day. I had to get to work and just keep pushing myself through to the end of the week. I would have to drown in Tori as soon as I got to see her and then everything would be ok. Yeah, I could do it.

I repeated that over and over, barely getting through to the next week of work even though I didn't show up some days. I did a lot of mindless exercise to keep me occupied every time I returned home. Sometimes I would wander the streets and hang around the places I knew Tori liked to go, just to check on her and make sure she was ok. I was glad we shared most of those places. It irked me to see that she had company most times, a guy that was too friendly. I kept a close eye on him.

The start of the next week was even harder. The first day just dragged and all I could think about was that guy near Tori. As a last resort distraction I tried calling up Cat. I kept in touch with her, but I hadn't talked to her in some time, so even if she sometimes annoyed me I knew I could keep myself occupied with the one person who I believed to be the most innocent person I knew in the world. Nothing phased her, she didn't judge, and even when I scared her or hurt her feelings she still saw me as a friend.

Now that she and Robbie, who finally ditched the puppet years ago, were together she was a little less scatterbrained but still retained that childish and unthreatening charm that put me at ease, just for a little while. It was still capable of easily annoy me though. I sat back on the couch with my phone in hand. After I called I laid down and set it on my stomach. I waited as it rung a few times before Cat's cheery voice answered.

" _Hi Jadey! I haven't heard from you in so long!"_

"Which is why I called. How are you?" I responded, frowning at the name she called me. I told her so many times not to call me that but she never listened.

" _I'm great! Oh! I have some news!"_

"What's up?" I asked, curious.

" _Cat! Don't spill the beans just yet!"_

I rolled my eyes at Robbie's voice. It came through clearly so I knew that Cat had me on speaker too. I cleared my throat before continuing.

"Hey Robert," I greeted in a deadpan.

" _Jade, you know I don't feel comfortable being addressed by that name."_

I smirked and closed my eyes, knowing this.

"Yep, and that's why I do it," I told him. He sighed sadly.

" _Robbie, can I please tell Jade the news? I'm so excited."_

" _Oh, alright. Fine. But Jade, you can't tell anyone yet, ok?"_

"Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a pair of scissors in my eye," I vowed in return. Just by the silence I could imagine them both shuddering at that.

" _Ok…well-"_

" _We're having a baby!"_

Cat's quick interruption was so abrupt I almost didn't catch what she said.

"Wait, really?" I questioned, a rare small smile pulling at my lips. If anyone deserved to start a family it was them. At least they wouldn't raise the kid to be like all those other brats. I began to wonder how it would be if Tori and I had a kid. Would I get better when I had something like a child to look forward to? Or would I get worse and put the child in danger. Maybe it would be a good idea in the future, sometime when I wasn't such a broken mess.

" _Yup!"_

"Congratulations guys," I told them both.

" _Thanks Jade. That's really kind coming from you. I half expected you to have something else to_   _say."_

I chuckled but nodded. Typical Robbie, always waiting for the hat to drop. He wasn't wrong though.

"Well…" I began, crossing my legs and folding my arms behind my head. I continued on with a list of things Cat should look out for. Yes, the way I said it might not have been the best way, but they were all legitimate facts that would help hem keep their new addition safe. The sound Cat made could only be described as 'squee'. It was that frightened squeak of hers that both amused and sickened me. I had to try harder to treat Cat better. She deserved better. She wasn't like those other people. She was different, like Tori. I could trust her. Maybe even Robbie.

" _Jade! Not so explicit! You scared Cat. You know how sensitive she is! I know you're trying to_   _help, but still!"_

Or maybe not. I hated being scolded by Robbie of all people. He was only trying to protect Cat though so I let it go, tempering my flare of irritation to a dull smolder.

"Fine. Best of luck. Talk to you some other time," I grumbled.

" _Bye Jadey. Thanks…"_

" _Bye Jade."_

Even when I emotionally hurt Cat in some way or scared the shit out of her she never abandoned me. Either she wasn't truly scared of me or she was terrified but knew that I wouldn't hurt her so she stuck around. Somehow we were friends and I appreciated having her around when I needed her.

"Bye," I spoke into the phone, hanging up a second later. I sighed and ran my hands over my face. Well, that barely helped, and the rest of the day was a drag.

The next day I got through work with some minor snapping at a coworker. This time when I got home I tried calling Tori. She must have been busy because all I got was her cheery voice mail. I let out an irritated breath but proceeded to pour my heart out to her, like she could hear me at that very moment. The damn voice mail cut me off when I was saying my goodbyes and I almost chucked my phone, but I took a deep breath, and just hung up.

I went for a long power walk around town, distancing myself by traveling in the opposite direction from her. I couldn't cave. She wanted a break, and as much as it pained me, I would do it for her. I was wiped out by the time I grabbed a bus back. I pushed myself so far I could barely walk. The sun was setting and my stomach rumbled with hunger. I stopped to get something to snack on while I headed home but ended up walking out with a cherry slushie instead. I felt like one for some odd reason.

I happened to look up and see that I was a mere street away from Tori's place. Without thinking I signaled for the bus to stop then jumped out. I got halfway down the street when I came to a skidding halt. She asked for a break. I had to respect that. I couldn't see her. But it was so  **hard**. I grit my teeth but turned away to walk home. On my way I stopped to sit down and rest across the street from the little café she and I frequented.

I almost flipped the bench I was sitting on when I saw her walking to it. That wasn't what pissed me off. It was that same guy tagging along like a lost puppy; a big smile on his face, that did. He looked like an idiot. He offered to hold the door for her and she gave him a polite smile that I knew meant nothing more than Tori being civil. She wasn't like me, driving people away. No, my Tori was so kind hearted. Even to fools who she clearly wanted nothing to do with. I could see it hidden in her expression.

"She couldn't possibly  **want**  him around," I growled low, baring my teeth. He bowed and then draped an arm over her shoulders to lead her in like a perfect fucking gentleman. I gripped at the bench, my hands aching from the pressure, but I didn't stop. It satisfied me to feel the wood give a little under my grip, cracking. If only I had his arm in my powerful grip. I'd break it, listening as it made the same sound. It would be a reminder that it had no place touching Tori. He shouldn't be anywhere near her at all.

I stood up and pushed myself into a jog, heading to Tori's place. When I got there I let myself in with the copied key she gave me. I looked around, seeing Tori in every little thing. I could smell her everywhere. I really needed to see her. I needed to hold her in my arms. Only then would I know that everything would be ok. I had to make due, so I strode into her room, pushed open her closet, and pulled out her favorite hoodie. I buried my nose in the worn material. I bought this for her back in high school. She still wore it to this day. My hands gripped it and held it close.

"Tori," I mumbled, hating the weakness in my voice. She made me strong. She kept me from giving in. In a really shitty way, I would never love another. I swear I wouldn't. I couldn't. There was only Tori and no one else. I let her scent cloud my mind, a futile hope that it would block out what I knew lurked in the corners of my mind. I was fractured. I was broken. I knew I was. Crazy people didn't know they were crazy. I wasn't crazy because I knew. I  **knew**.

The flash of a painful memory struck me and I almost ripped the fabric in my shaking, clenched, fingers. I relaxed them so that the bone white skin flushed a little with returned circulation. My hands tingled as I quickly put the hoodie away before I destroyed it. That's all I seemed to do, destroy, hurt, ruin; ruin everything. All because of  **him**. Just thinking of him made me violent.

I hurried outside, making sure to lock the door on the way out. If I stayed any longer I was worried I might break things. I took an alternate route home, one that made sure I wouldn't cross paths with Tori's daily route. I couldn't let her know that I was failing her. I was trying so hard to stay away. As I walked I happened to look up just in time to see that guy who followed Tori everywhere. He was walking in the direction of her place. Was he headed there? Not if I had anything to do about it.

A thought came to mind, coiled and ready like a snake. It made me feel numb, indifferent. He was too busy looking ahead. It was perfect. I was ready to strike, to remove him from Tori's sight for good. I purposely bumped into him when we passed, my hand aiming right for his gut. His face went from frustrated anger at colliding with him to wide eyed disbelief followed but what I imagined to be agony. The warmth of his blood ran over my hand as I forced the blades of my scissors deeper, directing him backwards until I had neatly tucked us both into the nearby alley. As soon as the shadows fell over me I let my rage show, slamming him back into the wall forcefully. I pressed closer, leaning on the blades so that they slid in deeper. He cried out but a blow to his throat choked him up.

"You had no business bothering her. She no doubt told you to beat it and you didn't listen. She's mine. You don't have a chance with her. And now, because you can't seem to listen, I'll have to show you the hard way," I growled, my voice gruff. He coughed on a pathetic apology but I didn't want to hear it. I twisted the blades, spilling more blood, and he whimpered.

"Please, stop. The pain…" he gasped. I scoffed.

"Think of the sensation as reassurance that you aren't dead yet. What you're feeling is life in you. I would hate to lessen that for you," I remarked. He tried grabbing at me but I knocked one hand away and caught the other. In one fluid move I spun him around to twist his arm behind him, pulling the blades free to now hover at his throat.

"You touched her. You put your filthy hands all over her. Don't tell me you didn't!" I snarled, blinded by rage. He sputtered on words but again I didn't hear them. I was deaf to anything he had to say. I swiftly broke his arm, listening to the bones crack and splinter with the force. I had been waiting to hear that sound. He screamed, but I quickly followed up by slitting his throat.

I watched it paint the already red brick wall a deeper shade with no remorse. I was desensitized, like it was just another scene in the horror movies I watched. I dropped his limp form, completely calm. I grimaced in disgust at the blood I got on my clothes. There was nothing I could do about that. But my scissors, engraved with JW along the blade, needed to be cleaned up.

Tori had given them to me in a case that was supposed to be mounted on the wall. Instead, I've kept them sharp and carried them around ever since. It was like having a piece of her with me, a lucky talisman of sorts. I cleaned my scissors on his shirt until they were shining again then hid them away. I took a step away but stopped to examine the contrast of deep red against my pale skin. I felt empty, only satisfied that short moment when I knew he wouldn't be a bother anymore. But now…I didn't know.

I followed the alley out to the other side of the street and took the long way home, my thoughts busy filing away the last half hour. I hardly remembered getting home and locking myself in my room where I was quick to destroy things; as always. I couldn't help it. I just got so angry and had no outlet or sedative without Tori. I eventually fell down at the foot of my bed and pressed my palms into my eyes until they hurt.

"No," I groaned, unable to stop the assault of rising memories. They were back and I had no defense. I needed Tori to save me like she did back when I was at my lowest. She was the only one who was ever able to make me feel normal. She made me feel loved. I wasn't a waste of space to her. I was someone who mattered. I couldn't let his cruel words forever dictate how I felt about myself nor could I let his blows and resulting scars forever mark me as hopeless.

I had Tori. She loved me. I knew she did. So why didn't they leave me alone? Because, I didn't have Tori to lose myself in. She wasn't here to keep me safe. The memories would keep haunting me with no end, especially now. It was our anniversary of a new found love but also of a love lost. I kept falling into these damn memories. I kept letting them torture me. Only when Tori was around could I find the strength to keep them away. Only with Tori was I strong, confident. Without her, his words returned to tell me how worthless I was.

But he was gone now, died in prison where he belonged for beating a child to an inch of her life. I still had the scars, something Tori never pointed out or asked about after the first time she saw them. I closed off and she learned not to ask again. She always knew what I needed. I loved her so much. Without knowing I must have fallen asleep because I woke up curled on the hard floor. My body ached from sleeping so tense in combination with the hard surface. I pulled myself up and dragged myself into the shower. I took longer than usual and when I got out to get ready I checked the time to see that I was late for work.

"Shit," I swore, speeding up the pace. I arrived at work just in time to get my ass verbally handed to me. My boss yelled at me all throughout the day until my temper was boiling just under the surface. I was ready to break his nose with a well-deserved punch to the face. He was lucky I held back. Work was a minor distraction. I got home relatively quickly so that I was left to sit in silence, the memories on the verge of torturing me again.

Sometimes, I cried until I couldn't anymore. I screamed and cursed until my throat hurt. But still, it made no difference. They kept coming, with no sign as to when they would stop. They were just like him, relentless. I knew that if he ever did stop...it wouldn't be because he cared. He was never very adept at the whole 'caring' thing.

I could hear him calling me names now, like he was here with me. My hands dug in the blankets under me. I was laying spread out in bed on my back but my mind told me I was cowering on the floor. My father loomed over me, his belt in hand. He didn't seem right. In my young mind that was all I could think. Now I knew, he had been drinking every time he let out his anger on me. The belt came down on me along with the obscenities. My breathing hitched and I was snarling in anger.

"I did nothing wrong father," I choked out against the very real memories. It replayed. He screamed at me, hit me. The last night I ever saw him he beat me good. I could barely move after he was done with me. I had to go to the hospital. Coming home, I was fearful of seeing him there waiting for me. But then I was told the police took him away. I thought I would be fine, but no. My mother moved on easily, found herself a new husband and had my half-brother. I was happy she could move on. She was suffering under his rage as I had been. Only, he favored using her to get off whether she wanted to or not and liked beating on me because I was helpless. I couldn't fight back. She didn't remain scarred like I was through, still stuck in the past. That same rage that festered in my father for whatever reason that fueled him must have infected me. I would be no better than him. I  **was**  no better than him.

"No!" I shouted, sitting up. I wasn't like him! In a panic I jumped out of bed, thinking I was in my old room. But then, slowly, the present came back to me. I was older, I moved out, he was no longer able to hurt me. I sighed and drooped against the wall, hardly able to hold myself up. I was so tired. I realized it was the middle of the night. I was too afraid to let myself sleep. Being stuck in the past was worse enough when I was awake, but when I slept, it was harder to escape. Who knew what my damaged subconscious would make me witness. So, I stayed up through the night.

I called in sick at work and greeted the new day with a scowl. My head hurt, my body ached, and my emotions were all over the place. They wouldn't settle. Just a few more days, then I could see Tori. An hour later I managed to get myself moving. I wandered down the street, just letting my feet take me wherever. I hoped being outside in the bustling city would keep me distracted. So, I wandered around a little and ended up spending most of the day sitting on a bench in the park. I watched the kids happily run around and play, wondering if they had a good life, if their parents took care of them and loved them. By the smiles on their faces I assumed they did. I looked at the people watching the children, occasionally helping their respective child with something they needed. They looked caring enough. So then why was my father any different than them? What made him that way? Why didn't he love me?

A sharp pain cut at me and I quickly stood, needing to be anywhere but there. I started walking again and eventually found myself outside a bar. It was a little early for a drink, but I didn't care. I pushed my way inside with a flash of my ID. I took a seat at the bar, ordered my usual, and then sat sipping at it while I listened to the chatter around me. Complaints about spouses, plans with the family, joking friends, flirting couples. I felt like I had no place among them, yet I stuck around, finishing my drink and ordering another. I was almost done with it, a little more relaxed now that I was slightly buzzed, when I caught a stray conversation.

"So you gave it to her, huh?" a guy asked another he was talking to at booth by the window. His sleazy smirk angered me.

"Oh yeah. She didn't want it, but I made her want it. I just bent her over the couch, hitched up her dress, dropped my pants, and fucked her good from behind," the other lewdly explained, chugging his beer right after.

"Did she scream?" the first guy wondered, his body shifting in a way that indicated he was getting off on the story.

"She sure did. She came so hard. I knew she liked being forced," the second guy answered. He laughed loudly, and suddenly, I was seeing red. All I could think was my mother, crying her eyes out when she finally confessed to being raped back when I was being abused. I was too young to understand at the time, but she felt I should know the extent of his crimes when I was old enough to understand. We had both been so wronged, so violated. And for what? What did this woman do to deserve being violated in such a way? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I stood just as the two guys headed for the exit. I was in their way though, and I knew it. The one who proudly stated his crime bumped me trying to get past. I felt a mix of disgust and rage. I shoved him back and he stumbled. The guy he was talking to kept him from falling.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he barked at me. I remained quiet, glaring at him.

"Whatever. Bitch," he grumbled, moving to get by, but I shoved him again. This time I pushed him enough to show his true colors. He charged, throwing me back into the bar and scattering drinks as well as other patrons. He held me there, grip tight. His broad body pressed into me.

"Don't make me hurt you," he warned. Everyone was arguing around us but I couldn't hear them over the pounding in my head.

"Or what? You'll fuck me up? Go ahead. I'll beat the living shit out of you. You'll deserve it too you fucking rapist," I accused, spitting in his face. His eyes flashed and his fist connected with my face. The violent act alone was enough to trigger something in me, a twisted and fierce need that I never felt before. It scared me but I couldn't hold it back. It was too late. I threw him back forcefully, calling on strength I never knew I had. Then, I was on him. My fists struck his face and his own met my jaw again before I got in a few more. His blood smeared my bruised knuckles.

"Try and kill me, I dare you! I'll wring your neck!" he raged. His wide hand wrapped around my throat but I kept going. His words did nothing to slow me down. I could see him, my father. He was my father and I was finally getting back at him. Finally, he would know how it felt. The only difference was that I would beat him to death. I would make him wish he killed me. I was thrown off him suddenly, and as I hit the unforgiving ground and was pinned down, I was brought back to my true surroundings. A crowd of people stood around watching as a security guard helped the man I had beaten up to stand. His face was a mess but he still managed to glare at me. Another security guard was holding my arms behind me. What the hell was  **I**  being held for?  **That**  man was the criminal! I shouldn't be the one restrained.

"You're lucky I'm not pressing charges you crazy bitch!" he shouted at me over the music I just now realized had been playing in the background. I only noticed it because everyone was so silent. I yanked at the security guard restraining me, ready to bloody him some more, but I was dragged away before I could.

"You're not pressing charges because you started it and you know it. I suggest you get out of here before someone does call the police," the stern voice behind me spoke up in my defense. It was a woman's voice. Fuck, she was strong. A security guard escorted the man out while the one holding me directed me out the back way. Her grip loosened slowly and then she released me. I slumped against the brick wall outside, suddenly shameful of my actions.

"Look, even though that sleaze ball had it coming I can't let you beat the shit out of him. Although, he comes in almost every night mouthing off so he was bound to piss someone off with his comments. I don't blame you, but you can't get away with no repercussions. I'm banning you from here for a few months. Don't come back in unless you want to get carted off. Am I clear?" she informed me. She sounded firm but I could hear the smile in her voice, so when I looked up and saw it barely tugging at her lips, I nodded.

"Go home and get cleaned up then," she ordered.

"Thank you," I mumbled, wiping at my face. She shook her head.

"No problem. Everyone gets one warning for starting a brawl. Just don't do it again. I don't want to have to call the police on you, especially if it was for a reasonable reaction," she said, offering me an actual smile. I laughed without humor and turned away, only feeling mildly better. Now that I was alone with my thoughts I began to feel agitated again. If I could just get a hold of that criminal, I'd-I'd…I stopped in my tracks. A smirk twisted my lips and that oddly placating numbness set in. There he was, stumbling down the street ahead of me. He didn't have his pal with him either. It was too easy.

I followed along behind him, keeping him in sight while I stayed hidden. He didn't live far, and the accuracy with which he found his home told me that he visited the bar often if he could get there and back while drunk. He led me right up to the front door of the small house and entered, practically tumbling inside. I walked up and tried the door but found that he was smart enough to lock it behind him. I took in the windows then walked around to the back. I tried the door there, grinning when the handle turned in my grasp.

I pushed it open slowly, careful in case it creaked. I shut it then walked on light feet through the dark house. I scanned the kitchen where I came in the back and checked the living room after arming myself with two knives. I still hadn't seen him so I moved on upstairs. I looked into one room to see that it was his room. It was repulsive, a mess. I left and walked into another but it looked to be a game room. Nothing of interest kept me there so I left that room too. Walking out I spotted him coming out of the bathroom. He paused when he saw me, rubbing at his eyes like he was imagining things.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded when he realized that I was really there. I remained quiet, only holding out a knife. I turned it enough to catch the light coming from the bathroom behind him. I could see him tense when his eyes dropped to it. They then flicked up to mine where we stared each other down. He seemed to puff up, like he was seconds from charging, but then he fled. I took off after him, intent on making him pay. He was at the stairs when I threw the knife at him. It buried in his side when he turned to take the stairs, making him cry out and lose his footing. He tumbled down the stairs while I skid to a stop to watch him fall. When he hit the floor at the bottom I slowly walked down until I was standing over him.

"Get up. Show me how manly you are," I commanded mockingly, reaching down to pull out the knife. He flinched then tried dragging himself away but I pounced on him, gripping him by the neck.

"No? I'm not surprised. Because you aren't a man; you're a pathetic, human defect. Nothing more. I hope that woman you assaulted doesn't devote any nightmares to you. You aren't worth it. Observe and I'll prove it," I snarled, letting him go so that I could kneel over him. He tried swinging on me but I wasn't going to allow him to hit me again. I forced his arms down and drove a knife into each wrist so that he was pinned to the floor. He screamed in agony but I pulled out my scissors to press them, closed, at his throat. He gulped but held his tongue, understanding my nonverbal demand to stay quiet. In the silence my mind echoed with voices from the past, causing me to grip my scissors tightly. I leaned closer to him, glaring into his wide, panicked, eyes. But then, he was glaring right back. His defiance angered me.

"Y-you're no better than I am! You monster!" he shouted at me. I bared my teeth and stabbed into him, putting force behind the swing.

"I'm nothing like you! You raped her!  **You're**  the monster!" I retaliated, pulling out my scissors only to drive them in again and again.

"And though this gives me no absolution, I would  **never**  do what you did to that woman!" I continued, yanking out my scissors once more. He screamed and twisted under me but he was effectively pinned down. I slammed my knee into his groin and smirked at the resulting pain it caused. I lightly dragged my scissors down his torn torso; that empty feeling returning.

"Oh, look! An orifice. How do you like being fucked with steel?!" I roared, flicking open the scissors and then burying them in his chest. I tore down the middle of his body, his screams ringing in my ears. I stopped at his navel, digging in before retreating. I was panting now, holding my scissors up to strike again, but stopped. Looking down at the mutilated body, unmoving, calmed the storm inside. Now that it was gone it left me hollow.

"I didn't try, I did," I stated, voice emotionless. I stood up, raising my hand to watch the dark red blood drip from my hand and the gleaming blades of the scissors. I calmly used the bathroom to wash up at the sink, carefully cleaning my scissors. I didn't know how well I cleaned up because I couldn't bear to look at myself. I had enough memories to last me forever featuring abused pale skin. When I was done I left the way I came, stepping over the mess of blood and flesh like it was just another object in the room. Standing out back I sighed and looked up at the sky.

"I don't like myself without Tori," I muttered. I headed straight home, not wanting to give myself time to think on the past but needing to wind down. I felt tense and it tired me out. After getting dressed I sat mindlessly watching TV and ended up falling asleep. The next day was practically the same shit. It was just a different day. When it was getting late I left to wander once more. Again I let myself walk without thinking and ended up back at Tori's place. I stood there for a moment and then sighed.

"Fuck it," I spat, unlocking the door and going in. I instantly searched for her, needing her now more than ever, but she wasn't home. Where was she? Where could she possibly be at this time of night? I plopped on her couch, wondering if I should call her or simply wait for her to get home. As I wondered, a knock sounded at the door. I looked up with a suspicious glance. Tori wouldn't knock on her own door, so who was it? I got up to answer it, going ramrod straight when it was some guy. Another one? My grip on the door tightened and every muscle in my body tensed.

"Uh, hey, does a Victoria Vega live here?" he asked.

"Why do you want to know?" I snapped back, defensive. He raised his brows at my obvious distaste but carried on.

"I walked her home yesterday. My buddy usually does it but he didn't come into work so I thought I would see her home. Poor sucker probably got sick. Anyway, I wanted to make sure this was her place. I figured I could surprise her. You know, seeing a friendly face could maybe cheer her up. I kinda wanted to ask her out. Mike lost his chance, that's for sure," he explained confidently. Cheer her up? Was Tori feeling sad? Was it because of our break, or was it something else? My worry for her temporarily shut out the moron and his cocky words. I had to find her. Fingers were snapping in my face, bringing my attention back to the nuisance standing at the door. Right, I should deal with him first.

"You have the wrong place. I don't even know a Victoria Vega. Get lost," I sneered at him.

"Nice try. I know for sure she lives here. I was just making sure. What are  **you**  doing here anyway?" he replied, undeterred.

"I'm her girlfriend," I answered tersely. He burst out laughing, pissing me off even more.

"Yeah right. With a body like that she could get any guy. Plus, my gaydar is the best, and I didn't detect anything from Victoria. In fact, I'm sure she was totally into me," he boasted. My eyes widened with anger.

"Even if you were her girlfriend she didn't even mention you, so you're either lying or she doesn't want anything to do with you," he continued to taunt. That stupid smile. He thought he was so smart.

"She can get any girl she wants too, which she has. That would be me. Your gaydar is, in fact, broken because she would never consider someone like you even if she was into guys. Now again, leave my girlfriend alone or I'll make you," I growled. He snickered and ran a hand through his hair with a flourish, reminding me of Beck. Condescending and patronizing Beck who did nothing to make me feel better. Now I was livid.

"Oh please. I'm pretty sure she wasn't screaming your name when I had her pinned down on her couch last night," he jeered derisively, bitter contempt in his tone. For the third time I was blind sighted with uncontrollable rage. I stood there, too paralyzed to move. A strange feeling of disconnection fell over me when it got too much. It was one thing to hear strangers talk so heinously about other strangers, but no one said such things in my presence when they had anything to do with the love of my life. He pushed me aside and I stumbled back into the door, still eerily calm. I couldn't even make sense of it. Why did I feel so numb? I registered that I had felt this way before, but when? Why did this feel familiar yet an out of body sensation at the same time?

"Where the hell is she? I totally thought I could catch her off guard…" he muttered to himself. I shut the door behind me, making him straighten up. He was almost turning around when I armed myself with my scissors. I then grabbed him in a headlock, squeezing tightly and hanging on too fast for him to catch up and escape. I was like a constrictor, slowly strangling my prey. I smirked, listening to his ragged breaths as he fought to breathe. I poked his side with my scissors, digging in just enough for him to realize that I had him right where I wanted him.

"Why are people so…unpleasant? Honestly, how can I possibly respect the existence of something, people in this case, when that something seems to defy respect? They do such trivial things, and find amusement, even up to 'so-called' maturity, in the persistent mistreatment of their own kind. Am I wrong?" I mused, tone smooth, unfeeling. I felt absolutely nothing. He shook his head the best he could and I loosened my hold a tiny bit, just enough to reward him for his timely response.

"I'm tired of dealing with this epidemic of people shitting on others. I've had  **enough**  of it. Now, listen closely or I won't hesitate to make this pair of scissors a new organ in your body," I hissed coolly. He sniffled but nodded. Was he crying? Fuck, he should just piss himself while he was at it, the coward. I've been beaten to an inch of my life almost every day of my childhood and I dealt with it better than he was right now. I haven't even done anything yet. Pathetic.

"You have one chance to get out of here alive and that's only if you answer correctly. Did you or did you not force yourself on Victoria Vega? Really think about your answer now. Don't mess with me," I warned, digging the point in a little more. He whimpered and begged to be released but I just tightened my hold, cutting him off.

"Answer the fucking question you bastard before I lose patience and gut you anyway just for messing with my girl," I commanded.

"I lied! I swear I lied! I'm sorry! I really wanted to though. I came here to do it, to catch her off guard. I messed up! I'm so sorry! Please, spare me! I'll never even consider it again!" he pleaded. Sometimes honesty wasn't the best policy. I barely reacted besides a disappointed scoff.

"I told you to think before you answered," I whispered, teeth clenched. My grip on the scissors tightened as well as my arm around his throat. I cut off his air to stop his begging, then, when he was gasping and flailing, I stabbed into his side. His scream was easily strangled into silence and his legs failed him. I felt the tug of flesh give as I dragged my blades through him but I was still disconnected. I still felt nothing. Just then, the door swung open. I looked to the person standing in the doorway, the light of the hall making them a shadow, but I knew who it was. I would always know no matter how I felt.

"Tori," I gasped, dropping the guy. I now stood, bloody scissors in hand, eyes on Tori's horror filled expression. I had to look like a monster to her. I was my father, but worse.

"J-Jade…" she squeaked, taking a step closer. I dropped the scissors and scrambled away from her, suddenly afraid that even she wouldn't be safe. She held out a hand, moving slowly. Tears blurred my vision. The look on her face was too much. Seeing the fear there hurt more than any amount of pain I've ever felt.

"Stay away from me…" I told her, my voice cracking. She shook her head.

"It's ok Jade, I'm here. Let me help you," she soothed, her voice unsteady but determined.

"I'll hurt you…" I responded, believing it.

"You'd never hurt me," she disagreed. She was closer now, but I was already planning to put more distance between us. She saw what I was trying to do and suddenly ran at me. I should have seen what she planned in response, but I realized it too late to do anything. She cornered me at the hall. The only place I could go was back. She was between me and the door, to escape. I sucked in a choked sob. I heard the man back at the bar, his voice accusing me of being crazy. I could hear my father calling me names.

"I can't…it won't stop…I'm not crazy…" I whined, closing my eyes against the confusion, pain, anger, sadness, and heartbreak. I could hear her approaching and hastily stumbled back, my eyes on her. I couldn't control my breathing. I was hyperventilating.

"No, you're not crazy. Look, it's just me. Let me hold you. I'll make you feel better, ok?" she called to me, voice soft.

"I wish…I wish someone would just switch me off and…fix me," I muttered, taking in a shuddering breath.

"Shhh, I'm here for you," she assured me. She didn't sound angry or disgusted with me. She sounded like she always did, so caring. But then why did she look frightened? I suddenly became lightheaded and collapsed against the wall. Tori ran forward and caught me before I could hit the floor. The second I touched her I clung to her for dear life. She had always been my lifeline. Now that I was safe in her arms I let myself fall to pieces, hoping she didn't hate me, trusting that she would protect me while I let myself spiral out of control. She held me close, whispering calming words in my ear. I didn't know when it happened, but I had finally given in to the fatigue.

I woke up with a start and looked around to see that I was in Tori's bed. How did I get here? For a moment, I was completely confused, and then I remembered everything. I  **killed**  people. I could feel them squirm, feel their flesh part, feel the warm blood on my skin, yet emotionally I had felt nothing. Now I've done it again. I raised my hands in front of me, expecting to see the blood staining my pale skin once more, but there wasn't a trace of it anywhere. Now I was really confused. Did anything I remember really happen then? I was too scared to even leave the room for fear that I would be faced with the truth that I killed someone again. But Tori…where was Tori? What did she think? I had to find out, so, I got up on shaky legs and walked to the door. I took a deep breath then turned the knob.

~/~/~

That annoyance Mike just never knew when to quit. The first day of my break from Jade and already some guy was hitting on me. Even after I found a moment's peace from him, Anthony, his leering friend, took his place. It was like they sensed an opportunity or something. It wasn't like they could get anywhere with me, but that didn't stop them from trying. That first week and much of the next I put up with Mike the best I could, even staying home and spending some days talking to Andre when I wasn't at work so that I could avoid him. But at the end of the week I was tired of staying in, so I ventured outside.

Just my luck that Mike decided to be bold and followed me to the one place I could feel close to Jade without actually having her. Our little café we went to together was soiled with him there so I didn't stay long. I made up an excuse and left. He didn't show up to work the next day. I was midway through breathing a sigh of relief when Anthony stepped in to follow me home, or walk me home as he insisted. That was pushing it, and downright creepy. I sent him away and made sure all my locks plus the one on my windows were in place. I didn't feel comfortable alone, and contemplated just giving in to calling Jade over. She had left such a sweet message for me when I missed her call. It was a good thing I did, because if I had been near my phone I would have answered and then promptly caved. The break was supposed to give us needed time apart, but all it did was show me just how much we needed each other.

That was why I decided to surprise Jade by swinging by her place after work. She wasn't home when I let myself in so I waited for her. When time passed and she didn't show, I began to get worried. There was this feeling deep in my gut that urged me to go out and look for her. I searched every place I knew of that she would want to spend her time, since they were all spots we shared, but she was nowhere to be found. The only place left would be my own home so I booked it over there just in time to come upon Jade…well, endangering someone's life. I still didn't know what to think about that. The look on her battered and bruised face was like a frightened child, normally strong features crumbling in fear. I was scared too, but not  **of**  her. I was scared  **for**  her. What would happen if this got out? My dad was a cop yet I was already thinking of ways to bail Jade out of her situation. As I finally got a hold of her and rocked her to sleep I knew I had to help her.

I carried her to my bed to let her rest then checked on Anthony. He was obviously being the creepy stalker that he was and poked around while Jade was here. He had to have said something to set her off. But what? Whatever it was must have been something too sensitive for her to handle, a trigger of some sort. I always knew Jade was capable of violence, but this was serious. I was relieved when Anthony was no more than wounded. It wasn't deep but he would need stitches. I staunched the blood flow, helped him up, and hurried him to the hospital. After all, he may be a creep who wasn't worth anyone's time, but that didn't mean he deserved this. He didn't deserve death. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The whole way I made him promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone or I was ditching him where no one would find him. My threats were empty but he was already too shaken up to notice and agreed. He begged for my help and promised he would tell them he had been mugged while walking home. He was way too scared to be lying so I had no choice but to believe him. I only hoped he kept his word. I'd start paying next if that would shut him up. When I got back home I worked hard on clearing away the bloodstains from any and all surfaces, including Jade, who I cleaned up with a wet rag and a change of clothes. While putting away the supplies I heard the creak of my bedroom door. Jade was awake. I stood up from putting the cleaning supplies in the bottom cabinet then left the kitchen. Jade froze like a deer caught in headlights when she saw me. I did the same but quickly thawed out. I offered her a smile but she remained where she was, hunched over, with the most heartbreaking expression on her face.

"Do you hate me?" she questioned, her voice still so small, like the night before.

"No, why would I? I love you," I told her, making sure she knew that I meant it.

"I…I killed him. How could you not hate me? How can you even look at me or stand to be in the same room as me?" she wondered, taking a step back when I took one toward her.

"You didn't kill him," I stated with a shake of my head.

"What?" she questioned, confused.

"He's alive. You didn't kill him. You just scared the living hell out of him," I answered. She didn't look any better even after I told her that. If anything, she looked worse.

"Not him, the other one…and that man…I-I…" she stammered, unable to continue. She didn't have to. I could see it in her eyes, the tortured look of someone who knew what they did and couldn't take it back. Mike. He didn't give up and move on; she killed him. And who else was she talking about? There was another? A sick feeling churned in my gut but I forced it down. Jade needed me and I would be there for her. She just needed support. This wouldn't happen again as long as she had my support.

"Something's wrong with me," she murmured, eyes downcast. Now that she voiced it I couldn't tell her she was wrong. There was always something off about Jade that I just couldn't fully grasp. I learned to tread lightly around the things that set her off and just hoped she would share when she was comfortable. I never knew her scars ran this deep. Maybe if I had tried harder to understand none of this would have happened.

"It's not your fault. It's mine," Jade stated, knowing where my thoughts had gone. Her voice strengthened somewhat with her conviction. I hadn't really realized my train of thought until she brought it up, defending me as always. Even when she was at her worst she was still there for me. I met her open and vulnerable gaze then slowly walked toward her. She tensed but stayed where she was. I intertwined my left hand with her right while my right hand lifted to brush back her hair from her face. Up close she was a mess of bruises, cuts, and deep-set exhaustion. It hurt me to see her so run down. My hand rested lightly on her cheek and she leaned into my touch, her eyes closing.

"We'll get through this together. Just help me understand," I asked her, hoping she would unload everything on me. She needed to rid herself of whatever's been poisoning her from the inside out. Tears ran down her face but she nodded. I pulled her to the couch and she sat far from the spot where she stabbed Anthony. She kept staring at the spotless area until I held her face in my hands, redirecting her eyes to me.

"Take your time, but please, tell me everything. Don't be afraid to share with me anything that bothers you. I'll always be here for you no matter what," I reminded her. Was it strange that I still loved her, even after everything she did? Was I crazy too for loving her so much that I would rather protect her and cover all this up instead of turn her in? Maybe, in a way, I was; but that thought didn't stop me from holding out my arms to her. She threw herself into my embrace and held on tightly. I kissed her forehead then let her get comfortable against me. What followed was what felt like the longest two hours of my life.

Jade told me everything. The level of abuse, mental as well as physical scarring, was monumental. How Jade carried this around was beyond me but explained so much I didn't understand before. I was led to believe that Jade's father was her actual father when really they had all been in on lying to me so that I wouldn't have to know the horrible truth. Only her half-brother was out of the loop completely. Jade's step-father was spared nothing but he still accepted Jade and her mother anyway. Unlike her mother, Jade never recovered. She kept it to herself, stewing in the toxic memories. And after all this time I understood with blinding clarity why Jade acted the way she did, why she needed so much control. So much so I was kicking myself for not seeing it sooner. There was a clear pattern I wish I had noticed earlier.

Jade suffered from fear driven anger that made her lash out, cling tightly, become possessive, and do anything in her power to make me happy. She couldn't afford to lose the one person she felt a semblance of sanity and happiness with. It was getting worse and she had no choice but to hold onto me tighter in fear of losing me. And to think I pushed her away. It was touching that I was her guiding light, but I also belatedly freaked out that I had  **that**  much trust placed on me. It was like Jade bet it all; her sanity, her love, her life, and whatever was left of her, on me. It scared me to think of what could have happened if we had ever really broken up for good. Would she have killed more than she has already? I shuddered to even brush upon that thought. We were together and that was how it would stay. Hopefully that would never happen again now that I knew just how much she needed me.

Jade looked up at me with a question in her eyes when she felt me shudder but I just squeezed her to me, mentally filling her with all the love I could. It was time for Jade to heal from everything that was done to her. The first step had been taken and now I had to help her follow through. Jade agreed to therapy and she went every day after work to treat her reoccurring PTSD. Days passed without a peep from Anthony. He actually quit and moved, probably to get as far away from me as possible. He shouldn't have bothered because I had quit too. I didn't want anyone making connections. Jade had told me what he said about me, the thing that pushed her too far in her already unhinged state. He really was a creep. Good riddance.

With Jade working towards healing years of damage I kept reminding her to share anything she felt with me. I understood that she didn't want me to feel what she felt, but I wanted to. I wanted to for her, and I wouldn't stop until I saw her free from it all. She couldn't keep bottling it up. She might not even make a full recovery, but I couldn't let that possibility stop me. I even spoke to her mother and step-father to gain any and all knowledge that I could. I wasn't going into this blind this time. I wanted to know everything so that I could be with Jade every step of the way. She would never be alone again or feel that she had to deal with this on her own. I decided to move in with her so that I could offer her constant support.

With time she looked to be doing better, but what I was waiting for was that time of year when it would hit her the hardest again. Her reaction then would dictate just how far she had come, or maybe even show slow progress. Either way, I was confident that it would be a positive change. What I wasn't expecting was a nice dinner set up and ready on the table when I got home to our newly shared flat far removed from where we used to live. The lighting was dim and soft music played from a record player, giving quality to the softly singing violins.

"You're home earlier than I thought you would be," Jade spoke from the hall, having just walked into the living room. She was dressed in a simple black dress, but regardless, she was gorgeous. Her hair curled in soft locks over her shoulders, framing her face, which held a small smile.

"You're cooking again?" I questioned. She nodded. Jade loved to cook but lost touch with it for a while. It was almost up there with her writing and drawing, which had also been neglected. But now, what an improvement. Yesterday I saw her writing again. Once in a while she played music and sat down to draw. Now she had cooked dinner. She was also so affectionate and patient; kind in some instances. She still had a temper and she was still a smart ass who likes to tease and taunt, but she wouldn't be Jade without those qualities. She treated other people better though, going out of her way to be civil and polite as long as they did the same to her. Her possessive and territorial tendencies were long gone too. She was confident that I was hers and she was mine. That would never change.

"So you're feeling…better?" I continued, only slightly hesitant. I was sure she knew what I was really asking; if she felt more stable. She cantered her head and squinted her eyes in an expression of contemplation.

"I'm not sure. I kinda wanted to find a cheerleader and saw her legs off," she responded. My eyes widened and I'm pretty sure I was at a loss for words. Jade only laughed, the sound still new to my ears. There hadn't been very much for Jade to laugh about, including teasing me, but here she was.

"Just joking with you, Tor," she reassured me. I instantly relaxed. I looked up at her and took in her smile. She was so much happier than she ever was. I smiled too, tears in my eyes at the revolution. I was so proud of her for coming so far. She rolled her eyes and walked over to me. I knew the teasing was coming and accepted it wholeheartedly. A teasing Jade was a happy Jade.

"Don't start getting teary on me. I just thought we could have a nice dinner. It, in no way, had anything to do with the time of year, so just drop it," she told me, helping me out of my jacket. I let her take it to be hung up and then she led me over to the couch where she sat me down and took off my shoes.

"Jade, you didn't have to-" I began, but one look from her shut me up. She set the shoes aside then proceeded to give me a foot rub. Jade hated feet. She barely allowed me to press my feet to hers when we cuddled let alone actually touch them with her hands. How was this even possible?

"Do you feel more relaxed?" she asked me casually.

"Am I allowed to speak now?" I responded with my own teasing. She ran her hands up my calves then used my knees to stand.

"Yes," she answered.

"Then yes, I feel more relaxed. But what does that have to do with-" I began only for Jade to silence me again, this time by straddling my lap. Her hands gripped at my shoulders and her eyes burrowed into mine; stormy, alive, and breathtaking.

"I realized that there's nothing wrong with feeling lost, as long as that feeling leads me to do something about it. Too often people grow complacent with their discomfort, wearing it like a favorite shirt. I can't say that I'm completely happy with where I am right now, because I know I still have a ways to go, but I can't help but look forward to where it's going; and that's all because of you," Jade began, voice strong with resolve.

"Tori, you've done so much for me. You've stuck with me through all the bullshit; both my own as well as my past. For that I can't thank you enough. I feel like a new person now. I never thought I could feel this way. I'm finally happy, and it was all because of you. So I just want to say thank you for giving me my life back and I love you with everything I have," she continued, looking at me like I was the most important thing in the world. I was tongue-tied. What do I say to that? What can anyone say to that? The praise was too much to accept. I wanted to tell her I would do it all again for her. I would bear whatever pain necessary if it helped her, but I couldn't seem to get the words out. Jade had always been beautiful in my eyes, but right now, seeing her so open and honest and carefree, she was a thousand times more beautiful.

I opened my mouth to try again but she seemed to already know how I felt because before I could say anything her lips were on mine. She kissed me with passion and love. Her hands were lost in my hair, pulling me into her and deepening the kiss. I groaned, loving the way her tongue danced with mine. We had started kissing again regularly, but never at this intimate a level. We had been steadfast and devoted to Jade's recovery first that we hadn't even considered going past chaste kisses. Jade still hadn't made a perfect recovery, and we were both ready should she relapse, but for now, in this moment, she wordlessly communicated that she was ready to pick back up on the physical part of our relationship. I eagerly responded, happy to see Jade confidently take charge again. I pulled away panting and she grinned at me.

"I love you Jade," I stated simply, sincerity pure. She nuzzled my nose with hers before kissing me once. Her hands wandered to the hem of my shirt. With a tug it came off after I willingly raised my arms. Her finger traced the lace bra I wore, making me shiver. That wicked smile was back and it still had the power to arouse me at the sight of it. My hands gripped at her backside, making her hum her pleasure and press into my lap. I could feel her heat on my legs and I groaned, a hand sliding around to drift down. She caught my hand and squeezed gently, a reprimand, then relocated it back to its previous location.

"You first," she told me, sultry voice making me sigh. Her hands effortlessly liberated me of my bra, and in seconds, my revealed skin was being worshiped by Jade's hands as well as her mouth. I cried out and my back arched when she nipped. While her mouth switched back and forth her hands dropped to unbutton my pants. She darted in just far enough to feel me then retreated. I whined and she chuckled.

"Patience," Jade scolded lightly, moving to get up. I wanted to hold her in place and keep kissing her, but I quickly changed my mind when she untied the dress. It fell to pool like an inky shadow at her feet, revealing the expanse of her porcelain skin to my hungry eyes. She hadn't been wearing anything underneath. I might actually be drooling. My mouth was hanging open at least because Jade's hand came up under my chin to close it. She laughed, and the chiming sound of it raised my spirits. I stood up to wrap my arms around her body. My lips found hers again, but soon, I had moved on down her body. I was just about to get carried away but she stopped me.

"What do you not get when I say 'you first' and 'patience'?" she questioned with a shake of her head, playfully admonishing me.

"You're too irresistible," I told her with a smirk. I could feel the shiver that passed through her at my expression. She groaned when my hand drifted down her stomach. She caught it from going any further then yanked my pants down. I helpfully kicked them off. I fully expected her to jump me right then and there, but she surprised me again. She scooped me up and took me to the bedroom where she laid me out on our bed. She didn't even give me time to catch up. She took me right then and there, determined to make me climax more than once. Afterwards, she kissed me while I relaxed into the bed, feeling too good to move at the moment.

"You might want to distract me before I take you again. You're far more irresistible," she purred with a sexy smirk. I didn't hesitate to roll us over so that she was under me. My hands reacquainted themselves with her body, running over her smooth skin, caressing and stroking until she was directing my hand lower. I skimmed over her, giving her no relief until she was growling her frustration.

"You're so hot when you do that," I told her, taking her bottom lip in my mouth. She bit back in retaliation. I pulled away to bit at her shoulder, the sound she made in response exciting me. I kissed down her stomach then proceeded to have my way with her. She kept moaning my name, her voice deep and full of desire. I leaned in and kissed her jaw gently. When she came down from her latest high I tried for more but she stopped me.

"You're trying to kill me with love aren't you?" she questioned while I got comfortable.

"Maybe," I confided, breathing in her ear. She suddenly flipped us over, hitching my leg up on her hip so that I was exposed to her.

"Then I'll make sure to do the same," she promised. We shared one last round, reaching our peak together. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her languidly then we curled up next to each other, taking a moment to catch our breath. She held me and tucked her face in the crook of my neck. I held her in return, drawing circles on her side.

"Jade?" I called to her.

"Hm?" she replied. I could tell that she had been starting to fall asleep.

"You know I'll always love you, right?" I told her. I could feel her smiling. She strengthened her secure hold on me.

"Yes, and I'll always love you," she responded. It was my turn to smile. We drifted into comfortable silence after that, having nothing more to say. Thoroughly satisfied, we fell asleep, finally achieving that moment of pure happiness that seemed so out of reach.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has read Johnny The Homicidal Maniac (JTHM) then you must have already noticed all the references.


End file.
